Mar 25

I’ve always held a pretty dim view of zealots and activists. I mean, I just don’t see the logic behind losing your ever-loving mind in the process of trying to teach someone else a lesson or bring them around to your point of view. Truth is, the further into zealotry and activism you drift, the farther away from logic and reason you stray. Consequently, I’m less inclined to listen to you, or give any credence or merit to anything you might say – you’re insane.

To illustrate my point, just take a glance at Ingrid Newkirk’s Last Will & Testament here. For those who don’t know, she’s the president of PETA. That last link goes to the wikipedia page describing PETA, not their actual home page – I don’t want to be responsible for sending any traffic to those morons. 

Here’s some of the more fascinating and down right insane parts of this womans last will:

“That the “meat” of my body, or a portion thereof, be used for a human barbecue, to remind the world that the meat of a corpse is all flesh, regardless of whether it comes from a human being or another animal, and that flesh foods are not needed; “

“That my skin, or a portion thereof, be removed and made into leather products, such as purses, to remind the world that human skin and the skin of other animals is the same and that neither is “fabric” nor needed, and that some skin be tacked up outside the Indian Leather Fair each year to serve as a reminder of the government’s need to abate the suffering of Indian bullocks who, after a life of extreme and involuntary servitude, as I have seen firsthand, are exported all over the world in this form;”

“That in remembrance of the elephant-foot umbrella stands and tiger rugs I saw, as a child, offered for sale by merchants at Connaught Place in Delhi, my feet be removed and umbrella stands or other ornamentation be made from them, as a reminder of the depravity of killing innocent animals, such as elephants, in order that we might use their body parts for household items and decorations;”

Yes, this is a woman of reason, devoted to a good cause, who rationally and compellingly explains her position and persuades others to join her noble cause.

/sarcasm.

Jeezus. I really don’t even know what to say, other than I want to know where to buy a wallet made out of this woman’s skin. That’d be awesome. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for treating animals and other people, and plants – hell, even inanimate objects like stones and dirt – in a respectable fashion. In the case of plants and animals, that simply doesn’t extend to not eating them. I mean, from my point of view, the human body has basic chemical requirements, the same ones it’s had for millions of years. Meat fulfills some of those requirements nicely. Can the same requirements be fulfilled without meat? Sure, but it’s a pain in the ass and involves all kinds of unnatural things like tofu and soy derivatives.

I get that poeple find many things to be passionate about. If you’re really interested in making a differerence, why not start with logic and reason. You might actually get somewhere.

Feb 16

So I was at my friend Jana’s birthday party a few weeks ago at Keys on Main (if you’ve never been you should really check it out, it’s a great time!). Everything was great for the first hour or so. There was a table right next to us with a birthday as well, and they put the tables pretty close together. As a result, therte were people from there party walking up and down in this super-narrow space between the tables. I had butts and boobs on my back and head half the night, and it was starting to get buggy, so rather than confront some of these Tony-Soprano-Lookin’ goombahs, I decided to step outside for a few minutes.

This is where it got interesting.

A few minutes after I get outside, this girl comes out with her date, and pulls out a pink cigarette. The guy she’s with notices that the cigarette is *pink* and asks her whiskey-tango-foxtrot with the pink cigarette.

She responds, serious as a heart attack, “It’s a breast cancer awareness cigarette”

I was stunned, as was her guy, and pretty much everyone else in earshot.

I had to ask, so I stepped closer and interuppted the conversation “did you just say that that’s a ‘breast cancer awareness’ cigarette?”

“Yeah”, she replies, and shows me the box with a pink ribbon on it.

I couldn’t really help myself, and I just lost it, laughing right out loud, which was probably rude.

“Really?” I said “Is the irony apparent to anyone else here?” I ask.

“It’s for a good cause!” she replied, a little defensive now.

I didn’t have the heart to pursue it any further, so I just went back inside to be bumped around by the goombah’s.

Here’s the evidence, though:

Feb 16

I know I’ve mentioned this before, but my brother, Brian, is a huge Dan marino fan. He can spout stats, records and other accomplishments all day long without missing a beat.

He’s got a wall at work dedicated to Dan Marino. Seriously. Check it out:

It doesn’t translate to well in this picture, but it’s pretty epic. 

Oh, and those shopping carts? Yeah, Wal*Mart.

Except the red one, that’s from the Smith’s across the street.

Feb 16

So the same day I saw the frickin’ birds in Wal*Mart, I also saw pretty much the creepiest thing I ever saw in a Wal*Mart, and it wasn’t a customer, or even a worker, Check this out:

I’m not even sure what it is, but it’s creepy for damn sure!

Why would anyone buy this? I mean, I can see someone like “Buffalo Bill” wanting several, but that’s even creepier, right?

Speaking of Buffalo Bill and creepiness, you should check out this music video. It’s the greensKeepers and it’s called Lotion.

 

Anyway, I guess the moral of the story, if there is one, is when you go to Wally World, be prepared both mentally and physically for whatever you may encounter, as there’s just no telling what that may be.

Feb 16

So I’m in the local Wal*Mart the other day, just walking up and down the aisles and entertaining myslef by playing Wal*Mart Bingo, when something whizzes over my head. Naturally I duck, and then look around to what vagabond, undisciplined, parentless kid just ‘jacked something from the toy aisle and is shooting at me. Sadly, no ragamuffin kid to holler at, just a bird that’s swooped up into the rafters.

That’s right, a bird.

In Wal*Mart.

And it wouldn’t really be Wal*Mart without several of them, right?

So, knowing that this shit is going to be unbelievable, I snap a picture. I figure next time I go in, I’ll snag myself a Nerf gun from the toy aisle and start shooting at the birds. Nothing Wally could really get mad at me for, right? Just trying to help out by cleaning the place up.

Seriously, I just can’t make some of this stuff up.

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