Before any of you Apple or iPhone haters start, I’ve already seen the video poking fun at Apple fanboys. Whatever – it’s pretty effing cool and I love it.

But here’s what bugs me – there are three of us on the AT&T account, but to upgrade without paying twice as much for the damn phone we have to order it under the phone number that’s eligible for the upgrade (Stefahn’s in this case), wait for it to be chipped, then go into the AT&T store and have them swap SIM cards.

Yeah, it’s ridiculous, but well worth the $200 we save.

So the phone came yesterday, and we went to the nearest AT&T corporate location on 600 South and Main. We went there because after calling to see if this was something that could just be done over the phone, they told us that we needed to go to an AT&T corporate store to have the SIM cards swapped, even though there’s a Spring Wireless (which is an AT&T authorized dealer) a few minutes from my house.

Well, the idiot that “helped” us took an hour and a half to get my phone working. He also let us know (after the fact) that Stefahn’s phone wouldn’t work until he synced it with his computer. Well, Stefahn was at work at the time, and knowing how much he loves his phone, I could only imagine how frustrating this would be for him. As we were about to leave, Megan said “call me, I wanna see your new phone work!” – it went directly to voice mail, even though she was holding the phone in her hand. I tried again, and when she tried calling me, she found that her phone wasn’t working.

So, back to the idiot, who apologizes profusely (incidentally, AT&T, your customer service – both in the store and definitely on the phone – could use some improvement. I don’t give a rats ass if you pretend to empathize with my plight or apologize insincerely ad nauseum. Fix the damn issue, do it fast, and shut the hell up while you work.) and explains he must have shut off Megan’s phone instead of Stef’s. No big deal, this is actually probably a better thing anyway. Stefahn’s phone still works, and we’ll just fix Megan’s right now.

He messes around for another 20 minutes, hands the phone back, we call each other, the call works fine and we leave.

Well, around 7, Megan calls Stefahn to see when he’ll be home, no answer. She texts him, no answer. When Stefahn gets home at 8, he’s none too happy, and understandably so. We call AT&T, and this guy explains that although he can’t fix it over the phone, any AT&T authorized dealer can do what we need done.

We pull up the the Spring Wireless in Bountiful 7 minutes later, and wi9thin 5 minutes this guy has all three phones working perfectly.

The moral of the story? (shut it, Apple haters, I already know your response) AT&T corporate folks are morons, but their authorized retailers know their shit.

And my phone is really cool.

That’s the best way to describe how I feel right now.

Oh don’t get me wrong, I applaud the Argentine Senate for their actions today in legalizing same-sex marriage. It’s a glorious milestone, and with any luck, other nations will see the merit and wisdom of Argentina’s clear decision that all people are equal under the law, regardless.

Having served a mission in Cordoba, Argentina for the LDS church, I have a very sentimental attachment to the Argentine people.

My conflict, I suppose, lies in some of the comments that my former mission companions have posted today on Facebook and elsewhere lamenting the decision and crying that it heralds the demise of the “family unit” that The Lord intended.

and you know, this uneasiness within myself actually started a few days back when one of my former companions “tagged” me in a Facebook post – a scan of the letter sent from the First Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints to the members in Argentina in opposition to the law that was just passed.

Needless to say, I was quite upset and quickly un-tagged myself. I thought it quite arrogant and tremendously disrespectful for him to have included me in his blanket supposition that I’d be with him in his righteous zeal.

Look, I don’t go around tagging people in my posts – photos from Utah Pride, news articles from Human Rights Coalition or Equality Utah, or any other such activity. It’s disrespectful and is nothing more than ridiculous ass-holery.

And you know, although I certainly had the thought, I don’t wish to engage in any point-by-point discussions with them of WHY equality is not only a necessary foundation for peace in our world, but also in accordance with what we preached for 2 years of our lives. I’ve found such discussion dishearteningly obtuse, with those who oppose gay marriage failing to offer any further evidence than “because God says so”. Well no, actually, he doesn’t.

“And again I say unto you, let every man esteem his brother as himself.”
Doctrine and Covenants  38:24

“And there was a strict command throughout all the churches that there should be no persecutions among them, that there should be an equality among all men; That they should let no pride nor haughtiness disturb their peace; that every man should esteem his neighbor as himself…”
Book of Mormon, Mosiah 27:3-4

“…it was strictly contrary to the commands of God that there should be a law which should bring men on to unequal grounds.”
Book of Mormon, Alma 30:7

“I, the Lord God, spake unto Moses saying… because Satan rebelled against me, and sought to destroy the agency of man, which I the Lord God, had given him… I caused that he should be cast down”
Pearl of Great Price, Moses 4:3

“…the laws and constitution of the people which I have suffered to be established, … should be maintained for the rights and protection of all flesh, according to just and holy principles; That every man may act in doctrine and principle pertaining to futurity, according to the moral agency which I have given him, that every man may be accountable for his own sins in the day of judgment…. ”
“And for this purpose have I established the Constitution of this land, by the hands of wise men whom I raised up unto this very purpose, and redeemed the land by the shedding of blood.”
(Doctrine and Covenants 101:77-78, 80)

OK, so that last one allegedly pertains to America and not Argentina, but it seems pretty clear that the God these former companions of mine spent 2 years in service to is pretty much on board with equality in all things.

I’m saddened to the verge of tears that there remains a deliberate ignorance and a willful disregard for reason and intelligent discourse. These men were, at one time, dear friends. Many of them still are. I hurt that this advancement towards equality and peace has upset them, and that they choose to see it as an assault on their beliefs. I wish only the best for them, joy and happiness. And if they choose it, fear and anger.

Regardless of your religion, equality will not degrade or endanger your beliefs, your church or your deity. It’s time to acknowledge that people are people. We’re all the same. We all want to love and be loved. It matters not at all in whom we find that love.

Dear Facebook app for my iPhone,

You suck.

You have promised a seamless Facebook experience, and yet, have utterly failed to deliver on even the most basic of Facebook interactions – you refuse to accept a status update at all, it takes you a full 4 minutes to post a comment (yes, I’ve timed you), and even clicking ‘Like’ guarantees no less than 2 minutes of processing.

My only wish is that your ‘developers’ (and I use that term loosely) be summarily dismissed with prejudice and relegated to more menial tasks that are better suited to their abilities, such as retreading tires, or tearing tickets at a movie theater.

Sent from my iPhone.
(using three different apps to circumvent the shortcomings of the one app that should have just done it in one step)

What if one pleasant spring evening you stepped out your front door, your sweetheart of 20+ years right behind you, and as you walked down the steps away from your front door you heard them stumble on the steps and fall. You turned, only to see them gravely injured from this fall. Acting quickly, you rush them to the hospital for the treatment they so desperately need for their injuries.

And what if, hours later, fraught with concern and worry, you are flatly denied when you ask to see them. You question the nurse and attending physicians about the status of the one you love, and you are given no information. The hospital makes the determination that your sweetheart has no family, no next of kin, and completely ignores your existence at all, despite your pleas for understanding and producing legal documents identifying your responsibility to your lover and your relationship with them.

And what if, once they had decided that your dearest friend had no family (willfully disregarding the documents you had produced and your continued efforts), the hospital involved county workers for help petitioning a judge for the power to make financial decisions on behalf of your loved one, representing the two of you as mere acquaintances with no real connection at all.

And what if, with no authority or thought for you or your sweetheart, the hospital and county workers then systematically auctioned off all of your belongings, vacated your home and reported to the landlord that you were no longer living there and turned the now-empty property back over to him, and then forcibly placed you into a supervised care facility against your will.

And what if, three months after all of this happened, you received news that your sweetheart had died, alone, and without having seen you since the unfortunate stumble and fall on your steps.

If this sounds like a terrible and horrific travesty and injustice to you, know this – this happened to Clay Greene and Harold Scull, two elderly gay men living together in Sonoma County for over 20 years.

Clay is now suing Sonoma County.  As the New York Times reports:

County officials successfully petitioned the court to gain some powers of conservatorship. Then they “sold, kept, converted to their own use, and otherwise disposed of” almost $500,000 worth of belongings from the home shared by the two men — including furniture, art objects, memorabilia from the years Mr. Scull spent working in Hollywood, as well as a truck and two cats, the lawsuit alleges.

Mr. Greene said that he and Mr. Scull had previously specified each other as executors in case either became incapacitated, but the county ignored the legal documents and the history of their relationship, and at one point referred to Mr. Greene as Mr. Scull’s “roommate.”

The National Center for Lesbian Rights has joined the lawsuit, calling the situation an example of why “same-sex couples need full equality.”

Gay and lesbian elderly individuals, in particular, are vulnerable because “they are often estranged from their family and don’t have a legally recognized relative,” said Shannon P. Minter, the legal director for the National Center for Lesbian Rights. “Even here, where they had filled out legal documents, because their relationship is so thoroughly invisible and disrespected, it didn’t protect them.”

Mr. Minter said Mr. Greene’s situation was far less likely to happen to the surviving spouse of a heterosexual marriage.

The offices of Sonoma County’s legal counsel have not yet returned calls to inquiring media outlets, and the case has been scheduled for trial on July 16th.

Same rights as heterosexuals my ass.

This drug, in it’s most diluted form, makes people feel good. Nothing special or dramatic, just a gentle sense of well being. Nothing wrong with that, right? Less dangerous than nicotine or alcohol, and certainly less dangerous than Prozac, Zoloft or any of the other anti-anxiety/anti-deppressants out on the market today.

If the drug is formulated just a bit stronger, in addition to the increased sense of well-being (which sometimes borders on euphoria, it can provide clarity in decision making, or inspiration. Still sounds pretty good, huh?

And if the drug is made just a bit stronger than that, it can induce mild hallucinations along with all the previously mentioned benefits. These hallucinations may include brief visions, lucid dreams, and voices. Not necessarily bad things, but the problem with these hallucinations is that they are indiscernable from reality. If you’re on this drug, they are absolutely real. And no matter how far-fetched or ridiculous the visions may be, there’s no way to distinguish them from reality because at this point the drug has altered the basic reasoning and logical thinking skills just enough so as to be imperceptible to the patient, and usually anyone else around them.

Now we’re getting into scary territory. You see, when the drug is made just a tiny bit stronger than the previous formulation, reason and logic are severely impaired. Common sense flies out the window, and the patient becomes extremely invested in the absolute truthfulness and reality of what they imagine. Some of the more subtle indicators are a general unwillingness to discuss the hallucinations (or even acknowledge that they may be just that – hallucinations and not reality), fierce combativeness when confronted about the hallucinations, and general depression when failing to adhere to what the voices say. Some of the more obvious symptoms can include sporadic and spasmatic dancing, uncontrollable and completely unintelligible vocalizing and muttering of gibberish, and feelings of invincibility. These latter symptoms can include deliberately placing themselves in dangerous and harmful situations and refusing (sometimes violently) any reasonable attempt to help or administer medical care, preferring instead to trust the voices and visions.

In it’s strongest form, this drug is the most dangerous one man has ever encountered. People under the influence of this drug in it’s strongest forms bond together with other addicts and share their hallucinations. Because reason, logic and all critical thinking skills have degraded so drastically, there is no way for the addicts to discern what is real and what is not, and it is difficult for the addict to understand the possible consequences and outcomes of their adherence to their hallucinations. Because of this, the addict will tend to find others with similar hallucinations and symptoms, perhaps looking for acknowledgement and acceptance of their embracing the hallucinations so absolutely.

In cases where the hallucinations and symptoms differ more than slightly, efforts are sometimes made by one group of addicts to persuade the addict with differing hallucinations to join the larger group and share in their particular “brand” of voices and visions, and even to adopt some of the symptoms that define their group. In other cases, there is almost always violent conflict between the differing factions, most often resulting in injury and death to the participants.

Some examples of this are riots in the streets between rival groups (catholics and protestants in Ireland), shootings (Fort Hood), bombings (many times by suicide bombers) and general terrorism and mayhem. When an addict has been using this drug for a prolonged period of time, they become a danger to everyone around them.

You see, this drug is religion.

So this has been on my mind for awhile. If you’re one of my Facebook friends, you saw my post earlier today:

“America isn’t easy.

America is advanced citizenship.

You gotta want it bad, ’cause it’s gonna put up a fight.

It’s gonna say ”You want free speech? Let’s see you acknowledge a man whose words make your blood boil, who’s standing center stage and advocating at the top of his lungs that which you would spend a lifetime opposing at the top of yours.

You want to claim this land as the land of the free? Then the symbol of your country can’t just be a flag; the symbol also has to be one of its citizens exercising his right to burn that flag in protest.

Show me that, defend that, celebrate that in your classrooms. Then, you can stand up and sing about the “land of the free”

It was spoken by Andrew Shepherd, as played by Michael Douglas in The American President.

Almost two weeks ago I sat across the table from one of my very good friends who is a Marine and is a very passionate individual, especially when it comes to God, Core and Country. We were recording our weekly podcast and my friend got very passionate and emotional over the story of Albert Snyder, the father of a Marine who was killed in action whose funeral was picketed by Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church.

At the time, I felt like my friend and I shared the same vision. These folks should in no way be allowed to continue harassing and disparaging the families of soldiers who have been killed. It’s just wrong, and they should be stopped.

As I’ve ruminated on this one over the last two weeks I’ve gone back and forth a few times, and I’m not entirely certain that my position on whether or not Phelps and his underlings should enjoy the protection of the First Amendment for this particular type of protest.

On the one hand, I feel like what they do is despicable and wrong. Believe what you want, but how about a little common decency and courtesy for your fellow man? It wouldn’t be so bad to see Phelps and his gang barred from picketing funerals, right?

But I’ve also considered Phelps’ assertion that what they are doing, however offensive it may be, is protected under the First Amendment. Is it awful, callous, and reprehensible that the First Amendment could protect such an act? Perhaps, but that’s the beauty of true freedom – it’s all or nothing, and it’s more often difficult than easy.

That being said, Phelps and his goons are full of shit.

You see, The Westboro Baptist Church is basically a church in name only.

That’s right,  the Westboro Baptist Church not affiliated with any known Baptist conventions or associations.

In fact, they holler that pretty much anyone that’s NOT them (Catholics, Protestants, Eastern Orthodox, Islamics, Jewish, Buddhists and Hindus, just to name a few) are ALL satanic churches and are going to hell.

Now, they claim to follow Primitive Baptist and Calvinist beliefs, but based on their actions and their much-documented picketing activities, this is total bullshit. To bring you up to speed, the essence of those two theologies is that before the Earth was even created, God chose a select group of individuals to be saved. That’s right, redemption isn’t conditioned upon any foresight of merit by the individual, but purely by God’s whim, and it’s already done and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Now I’m not mocking anyone’s theology or religious beliefs, but if this is what you claim to believe, fucking act like it.

You see,the Anti-Defamation League and the Southern Poverty Law Center both classify them as a hate group. And, by their own admission, they’re not really interested in “spreading the word of God” or “saving souls”. So far they’re sticking to their asserted beliefs, right?

In the BBC documentary The Most Hated Family In America, Shirley Phelps-Roper (Fred Phelps eldest daughter) was questioned as to whether she’d considered that her family’s protesting might make people more averse to coming to Christ, rather than attract them to repentance and a Christ-like life.

Her response?

“You think our job is to win souls to Christ. All we do, by getting in their face and putting these signs in front of them and these plain words, is make what’s already in their heart come out of their mouth.”

She goes on to say later in the documentary that the $200,000 spent each year flying their members to funerals all across the country is money spent to spread “God’s hate”.

So my question is “what’s the fucking point?”

(Their) God already decided whose gonna hang with him in Never-Never Land, and there ain’t shit any of us (the WBC dickheads included) can do about it. Telling people God hates ‘em and creating a scene at a funeral don’t amount to a mouse fart in the wind when it comes to making any kind of difference, at least according to their own beliefs.

You all know that I’m not particularly inclined in any sort of religious direction, but it doesn’t take a theologian or biblical scholar to figure out how effed up this whole thing is already. There are hundreds of verses throughout the bible stating that God is a God of love (not hate, as the WBC seems to believe). I’m not gonna list any of them here, but a simple Google search will give you all the info you need.

They’re racist, too.

Just one example, In November 2008, the church stated on its picket schedules that it would be protesting the Italian Consulate in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania because Italians are “mobster-breeding perverts” and “God REALLY hates Italy.”

You see, the thing is, their sole purpose is to garner attention and make money. It’s a business enterprise when it comes right down to it.
Why do I say that? Well, the WBC, through the closely related Phelps Chartered law firm, has collected fees under the Civil Rights Attorney’s Fees Award Act of 1976 when their protests have been unlawfully disrupted.

Think about it. I mean really, think about it. Who among us hasn’t nearly boiled over with anger and offense at hearing of another WBC protest. It’s only natural that even the coolest of heads could be provoked by such an organization, even to the point of arguably “disrupting” their protest.

So, taken in that context, the WBC is a business enterprise hiding behind the veil of religion. Were the WBC to be viewed as the business endeavor that it truly is, their protests are no longer protected by the first amendment, as they become slander.

Just my thoughts on the matter, and possibly a solution.

I had initially assumed that his constituents must transcend his own bigotry and idiocy to have elected him in the first place, but then to have re-elected him in 2004 and 2008.

However, his last win was by a very narrow margin, so I can only assume that West Jordan is coming around and realizing what a tremendous douche this guy really is.

Not sure which one is worse, but I think I’d be writing in someone a bit more qualified, like Homer Simpson or Mickey Mouse.

Anyway, in yet another example of Buttars total disregard for anyone around him, I give you a photo of his truck parked at his local Maverik gas station. (thanks to Kerry, Bill and Gina and the RFH show on X96 for this one).

Apparently as a senator, you are above the law and rules don’t apply. This isn’t the first time Buttars has illustrated his casual and self-centered scorn of the legal system, nor the first time he has so pompously placed himself above anyone else on the planet. The man truly believes his own constructed delusions of being a special case unto himself.

Chris Buttars is a dick.

If you’re one of his constituents in West Jordan, get in touch with him and tell him what a dick he is.

Here, I’ll make it easy for you:

I’ve ranted previously about pre-paying at the gas pump because it’s assumed that I’m a thief. I’m moving up the scale of judgment and stupidity a bit here. The other night I went shopping at the local Wal-Frickin’ with the missus. We got some groceries for The Boy’s birthday celebration, a few party supplies (paper plates, napkins, gift bags for the schwag, etc.) and a set of 4 wooden TV trays. After we’d checked out, as we were heading towards the exit, the greeter (who looked for all the world like a bored high school kid, resting her lethargic and terminally bored face onto the palm of her hand as she leaned on the desk in front of her and presumably tried not to drool or fall asleep or both) asked to see my receipt.

Now I’m no dummy. I know my rights and I’m pretty aware of privacy laws in the state of Utah.

“What do you need that for?” I responded.

You see, I know that I’m perfectly within my legal rights to dismiss her with a “no thanks” and continue walking to my car. I also know that it’s Wally-World’s policy to check receipts on electronics and large items, even though they have no legal standing to do so. I’ve read plenty of horror stories of people being detained and even having the police called because they refused to allow a Wal-Mart employee to check their receipt.

“Because you’ve got a large item – that table-thing there” she said, pointing to the cart. “We check all the receipts on stuff like that” she continued, as if that made everything ok.

It was late, and I was tired and ready to be home, so I opted to just let her check the receipt rather than risking the inevitable ruckus that would have followed my refusal. She checked the receipt and I was on my way.

Is having a Wal-Mart greeter, being of either the iconic octogenarian or self-important adolescent variety, check my receipt really that big of a deal? I guess it depends on how strongly you feel about your individual privacy and rights.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a privacy zealot or anything, I just feel that one of the basic tenets of our great nation and one of our most valuable freedoms is our individual rights.

Let me switch gears for a minute here, and I invite you to ask yourself if you feel the same way in just a moment, and perhaps more importantly, why or why not.

On December 25, 2009, 23-year-old Nigerian, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab attempted to detonate and explosive device on a Delta/Northwest flight from Amsterdam, The Netherlands, to Detroit, Michigan. He failed, and is currently in custody, but his actions prompted a massive jump in airline security measures and an outcry from the media and political institutions for greater measures in screening airline passengers. One of the proposed measures is the x-ray-like “full-body scan” (image below). Now, it’s not that I take issue with somebody checking out my junk. You wanna see it? I got no problem with that. What I take issue with is the fact that because one man did something stupid, everyone immediately feels like stricter measures are needed, and by and large, people are willing to simply hand over the freedoms that hundreds of thousands of men and women have fought and died for.

click for larger image

Let me just put this in perspective. It’s estimated that approximately 730 million people travelled on commercial airlines in 2008. Assuming that statistic holds (more or less) true for 2009, we can safely say that there’s a 1 in 730,000,000 chance that a terrorist will end up on a plane and try to do something bad.

By comparison, according to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, there were 13, 846 alcohol-related deaths in 2008. The estimated US population that year was 304,059,724. Now, not taking into account that only a certain percentage of that number is licensed drivers of legal age, and using the whole raw number, that’s 1 in 21,960.

Funny, but I don’t hear anyone screaming as loudly or ardently about drunk drivers as I do about some guy that burned his johnson off trying to blow up a plane.

If you want to really put this in perspective, a law requiring a full-body scan prior to boarding a plane (presumably in the interest of making the flight safer), is pretty much the same thing as requiring every vehicle in America to be equipped with a BAC device that would prevent the vehicle from starting pending a ‘pass’ result with an acceptable blood-alcohol rating.

Never had a drink in your life? Doesn’t matter. Everyone gets screened equally when it comes to airlines, and if this is such an acceptable exchange of risk versus rights, why would the same not hold true with vehicles? After all, the numbers just don’t lie. Approximately 3,500 people died on 9/11 – the worst aviation disaster of all time by a long shot – which is only about 25% of the number of drunk driving deaths annually.

And yet, because of media fear-mongering and our innate need to feel “safe” (whether it’s an illusion or not doesn’t matter), we’re willing to simply hand over our freedoms, no questions asked.

I imagine the men and women who have died protecting those freedoms would take issue with that.

I’m not kidding, he’s really pushing for dumbest political figure in Utah, and lord knows we’ve got way more than our fair share of ass-hats and idiots. Look no further than Chris Buttars and Michael Waddoups for proof of this.

What did Mr. Chaffetz do to make himself a contender and throw himself in league with this elite class of fools and blowhards? He thinks Carrie Prejean, the former Miss California who was shredded by the media for her anti-opposite-marriage comments in the Miss America pageant, has a bright future in politics! This is like saying the poor schmuck that just rolled his car on I-15 has a future as a NASCAR driver.

Here’s what he said, as reported by TMZ.com: “that she “has the ability to draw crowds and if she has a strong message to go with that, who knows what she can do? She has star power which can open doors.”

Then he went on to add that “”We’ve all made mistakes when we were 17. (The sex tape) is going to be an impediment, but people are excited about her convictions and her beliefs.”

Yes, we’ve all made sex tapes when we were (allegedly) 17, and although it can be an impediment to, you know, common-effing-sense, that shouldn’t in any way deter people from being excited about what you have to say about morals and Christianity. Right?

Now, let’s just take a quick trip down memory lane, and re-visit a few of the tremendously epic blunders Miss Prejean has committed, shall we?

First, she gave the second-most-retarded answer to a question ever given in a pageant. Prejean was asked by pageant judge Perez Hilton whether she believed every U.S. state should legalize same-sex marriage

“Well I think it’s great that Americans are able to choose one way or the other. We live in a land where you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage. And, you know what, in my country, in my family, I think that I believe that marriage should be between a man and a woman, no offense to anybody out there. But that’s how I was raised and I believe that it should be between a man and a woman.”

What was first, you ask? Caitlin Upland, Miss Teen South Carolina’s answer to the following question:

“Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can’t locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?”

Her answer?

“I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some, people out there in our nation don’t have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as, uh, South Africa and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and, I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, or, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future, for our children.”

Yes, there are people this dumb walking around without supervision. Unlike Prejean, Miss Teen South Carolina had the good sense to realize she screwed up and leave well enough alone.

Prejean, however, freaked out when she didn’t win, saying first that her first amendment rights had been trampled (hardly. She got to say what she wanted, so she was allowed to freely exercise her right) and when that didn’t work out so well she cried that she was being discriminated against for being a Christian. Really.

Which is kinda funny, considering that just days after the pageant debacle, and after being directly asked if she had ever posed nude or semi-nude (to which she responded in the negative), a semi-nude picture of her surfaced. Now, of course she claims that as a young, impressionable teen model she was exploited and taken advantage of by the photographer, which could possibly be true, if it weren’t for my next point.

Not too much after that photo surfaced, someone discovered a few topless photos of her, posing on a windy cliff. Now get this, since the “photographer took advantage of me” argument didn’t work on the first one, she tried a new tactic. In the photos, she’s seen wearing a bikini bottom and an open vest, exposing her breast. She claims that the wind blew the vest open and the photog snapped a picture. Only problem is, her hair is blowing one way and the vest is open in the exact opposite direction.

All of this understandably stirred up quite a bit of controversy with the Miss California organization.

So to cut their losses, the Miss California pageant decided to let her go, saying she was in breach of contract for not showing up at scheduled appearances and fulfilling the terms of her contract with the organization. Prejean responded by counter-suing, claiming that they had scheduled an unreasonable amount of appearances and had unfair expectations of her. The pageant then

Then, incredibly, an even bigger bomb was dropped. In a preliminary meeting with the Miss California pageant’s attorneys, wherein she was sueing for 1 Million dollars, the negotiations were brought to a hasty conclusion when the pageant’s attorney’s played 30 seconds of a sex tape featuring – you guessed it – the “Christian” Carrie Prejean. Upon viewing the tape she basically said, “shut it off, I’m dropping the suit.”

Her comment? “It’s the worst thing I’ve ever done and I regret it every day”

Sure ya do, sweetie.

But it get’s better. Pretty much right after that meeting, she called her ex-boyfriend, whom she had sent the video to as some kind of present or something, and asked him to say that she was 17 at the time. His response? Hell no! That’d make him a possessor of child pornography, and truthfully, I think he just wanted to see Carrier squirm some more like a slug under a heat lamp and sprinkled with salt.

And as it turns out, she didn’t make just ONE sex tape. Oh no, she made SEVEN! And she took 20-30 nude and explicit photos of herself, to go along with the videos. Who got some Jeebus now?

Speaking of Jeebus, she also recently commented on her implants, and how Jeebus was totally cool with it, saying:

“No, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with getting breast implants as a Christian. I think it’s a personal decision. I don’t see anywhere in the Bible where it says you shouldn’t get breast implants.”

Now I’m not saying that there IS something wrong with getting implants if your a Christian. All I’m saying is that Carrie Prejean is retarded and this quote supports my case.

So, to summarize, Miss Prejean is a liar, a porn star, a hypocrite, has no accountability, and is incredibly stupid.

Which brings me back to Jason Chaffetz. I can only imagine the role models this retard had growing up. If he thinks Prejean is a good example of anything other than a train wreck, he’s probably dumber than she is.

So, all you dumbasses in Utah’s Third District that voted for this ass-hat, I’ll do my best to avoid your fair locale, because if this is the kind of official you elect, I can only imagine with terror in my heart what other idiocy happy valley may be teeming with.

So you know how I’ve pretty much resigned myself to having every fast food restaurant on the planet screw up my food, right?

Well, here’s a little story about last Friday night…

After a long day of training, Elizabeth and I were headed back to my house (she sometimes crashes there on the weekends when she trains). I was hungry and so was she. Because we have an acute lack of Big Kahuna Burger’s in Utah, I offered to stop at Mickey D’s for some cheeseburgers. Elizabeth also requested 3 chocolate chip cookies.

As I pull up to the speaker and red LED light board that allegedly “ensures the accuracy of my order” but which has failed to deliver on that promise even once, a tragically anonymous and at the same time familiar voice rang out, garbled by the supposedly weatherproof speaker and rendered unintelligible long before the soundwaves ever graced the membrane of the microphone on the other end by the poor grammar and heavy accent of someone who speaks little English and has no business working a drive thru anywhere east of Redwood Road.

I placed my order: 2 cheeseburgers no pickle no onion, two normal cheeseburgers, a large order of fries and three chocolate chip cookies.

I waited for an unreasonable amount of time for such a simple order, even at 11:00PM, which is usually a sign of epic fail about to happen. Eventually, I was handed a bag of food and I drove away, down the street to my house.

You’ll no doubt recall my last rant about the Golden Arches, and so it was with no uncertain amount of trepidation that both Megan and Elizabeth looked on while I opened the bag and began to divvy up the food. Two cheeseburgers for me. Check. At least I wouldn’t be the one hungry tonight if they’d screwed up. Two cheeseburgers, no pickle, no onion. Check. Looks like Elizabeth gets to eat, too. Large Fries. Check. 6-piece chicken nuggets. WAIT JUST AN EFFING MINUTE!! I didn’t order any damn chicken nuggets, what is this box of non-descript flavorless random and wholly unidentifiable bits and chunks of reconstituted generic poultry doing in my bag, and where are the effing cookies?!

I went off, as any other perfectly normal and well-adjusted person that shares my not-completely-unreasonable expectations for fast-food establishments would. Now, because I actually had MY food, it wasn’t as ugly or offensive as it could have been, but it sure as hell wasn’t nice at all.

When I was starting to hit the down-slide of my ranting and railing (you can tell when I hit that point because I start to get winded and throw out a string of F-Bombs to try and sustain the momentum and scale of the rant), Elizabeth asked me why I never check the bag before I pull away. As it turns out, that did more for the perpetuation of my rant than the string of F-Bombs, and I managed to stretch this particular episode to damn near 20 minutes, which is pretty respectable considering it was over 3 chocolate chip cookies that weren’t mine anyway.

So after consuming my cheeseburgers, I was still hungry, and figured that with enough ranch and barbecue sauce to dip them in, the nuggets were just barely on the right side of edible. After grabbing the sauces, I reached in the bag and pulled out the little square box containing the offending bird-parts out of the bag. In doing so, the contents of the box shifted ever so slightly against the edge of the container and made an almost imperceptible ‘bump’.

For whatever reason, they non-English-speaking minimum-wage earners had put the three chocolate chip cookies in a chicken nuggets box.

Shit.

So, my deepest apologies to McDonald’s for a completely unwarranted and misguided rant based on my own limited perception. You guys did fine, my bad. Keep up the good work.
And next time, put the damn cookies in the little paper bag thingy they go in.