With the opening of 3 In-N-Out burgers in Utah recently, there has been some heated discussion among my friends (many of whom had never had the opportunity to try an In-N-Out burger before now) as to whether or not they make the “best” burger. Most of my friends are in burger nirvana, although I’ve been surprised at several of my friends who are utterly repulsed and disgusted with them. It’s just unfathomable to me that anyone would react this way to such a tasty burger.
Although I enjoy In-N-Out immensely, whether or not they are the best burger (or even deserving of all the praise and accolades) is pretty much an impossible question to answer or quantify. You see, there are all different kinds of burgers, just like there are all different kinds of pizza. I mean, The Pie has some bad-ass pizza, but It’s not what I hanker for every time I want pizza, you know? Sometimes I just want Papa John’s, and other times a Totino’s cardboard-nappy-sauce-and-fake-cheese pizza is just fine. With that in mind, I’ve decided to quantify what some of my favorite burgers are and are not, and when and how to enjoy each.
McDonald’s 89 cent cheeseburgers
What it is:
This is one of the most basic burgers out there, and it’s a staple for any true burger aficionado. Are they anything special? Of course not! It’s a mediocre bun with mediocre meat and process American cheese, pickles, onions, mustard and ketchup. Two of them are sufficient for the average diner, I usually like 3-4 for a good meal. Overall, it’s not an especially tasty burger, it’s not exactly filling and it’s probably not nutritional in any way, shape, or form, but it’s a childhood nostalgia kinda thing. If you’re in the mood for a fast and simple burger that you can find anywhere within 15 miles, this is the burger for you.
What it’s not:
It’s not a good burger by any stretch of the imagination, but it doesn’t suck either. It’s not a culinary masterpiece so much as an American Institution. Keep your expectations to a minimum and you won’t be disappointed.
When to eat it:
When you just need a burger and you need it now.
Carl’s Jr. Western Bacon Burger
What it is:
One step up from the McDonald’s 89 cent’r, this burger not only tastes pretty damn good, it’ll usually fill you up, too. If you’re especially hungry you can get a double, but that’s for a very serious appetite. It starts with a 1/4lb patty on a sesame-seed bun with a tangy-smoky barbecue sauce slathered on both the top and bottom bun. The patty is topped with American cheese (cheddar would be awesome on this burger), two strips of paper-thin bacon and 2-3 large golden crispy onion rings. It’s a serious burger and it’s a pretty good standby if you want a serious fast-food meal.
What it’s not:
This is not some serious gourmet shit, as Jules would say. There’s really no need to get the Six-Dollar variety, either. Regardless of what Carl’s Jr. would have you believe, it’s still just a fast-food burger.
When to eat it:
When your pretty hungry and want to pretend like you’re eating at a sit-down restaurant
Hires Roquefort Bacon H
What it is:
Anything from Hires is pretty much a Utah classic. Part of what makes these burgers so good is their dedication to quality. The buns are made each morning at their bakery downtown, the meat is ground fresh daily and the produce is always fresh flavorful. There’s a few things that set this burger apart even more. First, they use a thicker cut of bacon than most bacon burgers you’ll find anywhere else, and secondly, they use actual Roquefort cheese and not just blue cheese as most other restaurants do. If you’re not sure why that matters, click the link to find out.
What it’s not:
This is NOT an eat-it-in-your-car-while-driving burger. It is almost always a bit messy, what with the Roquefort dressing and all, but you’ll want to sit down to enjoy this one, even if it’s parked in your car at the car-hop island.
When to eat it:
When you want an especially tasty burger made from fresh quality ingredients and you don’t mind paying a buck or two more to make the step up from fast food.
Training Table Blue Bacon Burger
What it is:
Yeah, I know the previous burger was also a blue-cheese-and-bacon burger. Get over it, these two are very different eating experiences. This is not the heartiest of burgers, but don’t worry – as long as you get an order of cheese fries and dipping sauce to go with it there’s no way you can go away hungry. This is a very tangy burger packed with bold flavors. Of all the burgers that have bacon, this one’s got the best. It’s crispy, thick, and extremely bold in it’s bacon-y goodness. The lettuce on this one tends to get in the way, as it’s chopped into little pieces rather than a few large leafs, and they tend to put a bit too much lettuce on it in the first place, so it’s a bit messy as well.
What it’s not:
This is not a burger to be consumed casually or quickly. It’s also not something for the weak of heart, literally. With all the creamy goodness of the blue cheese dressing (which is super thick and rich – the absolute antithesis of low-fat) and the artery-clogging flavor-rich bacon, this one really could stop your heart. Oh, and it’s got swiss cheese on it, too.
When to eat it:
When you need something to go along with a massive plate of cheese fries or you need some especially bold flavors to jump-start your mouth.
Crown Burger
What it is:
An iconic meat-on-meat kinda burger that is reserved for those with a truly hearty appetite. If the Training Table burger doesn’t stop your heart, this one probably will. It’s a 1/3lb beef patty topped with ¼lb of Pastrami, a slice of American cheese melted between the two, and fry sauce (Crown Burger’s is pretty damn good, rivaling even that of Arctic Circle), lettuce and onions on a sesame-seed bun. This is a big burger and it takes some real dedication to eat the whole thing. For the faint of heart or quaint of appetite, they offer a smaller version of the same thing in the Junior Crown Burger. Either way, if you like meat, this is the burger for you.
What it’s not:
A burger to be eaten casually. If you’re just ho-humming about and decide you want a burger, don’t go to Crown Burger. If you’re vegan, Vegetarian, or even kinda like animals and stuff, this ain’t for you. This is a meaty “bubba-let’s-go-kill-somethin’” MAN kinda burger
When to eat it:
You need meat. Lot’s of it. And you know you’re up to the task.
Five Guys Burgers and Fries
What it is:
The best way I can describe Five Guys burgers are that they are the closest thing to home made I’ve ever had. Every burger comes with two hand-shaped patties on a bun. You pick from a list of toppings including onions (fresh or grilled), pickles (sweet or dill), mushrooms, ketchup, mayo, mustard, several different kinds of cheese (except swiss), etc. Go hungry, because if the burger doesn’t fill you up, the fries sure will – they give you a lot of ‘em, and they’re cut fresh every day from potatoes shipped in especially for Five Guys. There’s even a little chalk board at the register that tells you where the potatoes they’re frying that day came from.
What it’s not:
Fast food. Although they’re not slow, Five Guys take their time making it right. They’re probably also one of the least healthy (being eclipsed only by Crown Burger and possibly the Training Table), so if you’re weight conscious, this ain’t for you.
When to eat it:
When you want a back-yard type of burger but you don’t own a grill or are too lazy to do it yourself.
In-N-Out Double-Double
What it is:
An American classic burger. If you wanna take a trip back in time and experience what a burger really is all about, In-N-Out double-double is the way to go. With always fresh ingredients (you can actually watch them cutting the fries right before they get dropped in the fryer), and a philosophy about the simplicity of a good burger, you just can’t go wrong for a cheap fast-food burger that’s tasty as hell. Now, there’s nothing extra special about this one – it’s a white, sponge bread, a 1/4lb patty, lettuce, tomato, mustard, ketchup and mayo classic.
What it’s not:
Fast. Ever. Oh sure, in theory they’re pretty quick, but considering that every In-N-Out I’ve ever been to had a drive-thru line-up of at least 8 cars, we’ll prolly never know just how fast they are. This is also NOT a gourmet burger or culinary accomplishment of any sort. It’s just a simple, classic burger.
When to eat it:
You want a basic burger that is perfectly executed.
Honorable Mention: The Counter
What it is:
THIS is the serious gourmet shit that Jules was talking about. It only get’s honorable mention because every burger at The Counter is custom-built to order. You choose the type of bun, what kind of meat (ground beef, turkey burger, veggie burger, or chicken breast), how much of it (1/4, 1/3, ½, or full pound), and more. They’ve got 8 different cheeses, 12 or so different sauces, several custom toppings, and it really is a gourmet burger in every sense of the word. You want something different in the burger genre? This is the place to find it.
What it’s not:
Cheap or fast. Although the servers have always been prompt and attentive, because everything is custom made to order, expect to wait a little for your creation to take shape. While you’re waiting, try the sweet potato fries and chipotle horseradish. Burger prices range from around $12 to $18 depending on your choices, but they’re worth every penny.
When to eat it:
Anytime you’re at The Gateway or just want a unique dining experience.
Sadly, I’ve learned that The Counter has closed, but trust me, they were good burgers. I know there are plenty of other burgers out there that I may have missed, but I think this pretty much covers every major category of burger. The moral of the story is that there’s no single “best” burger – everyone enjoys something different. But for my money, In-N-Out is a pretty damn fine burger, and certainly near the top of my list.
