As many of you know, I’m a HUGE fan of the Radio From Hell show on X96. I have blatantly stolen one of their features for this particular post, although the list of “things” is my own and not taken from the show. This is not quite a rant, but simply a list of stupid and annoying shit I encounter all the time. I’ll follow this up (sooner or later) with a list of cool stuff, so as not to upset the karmic balance of the universe and stuff.
People that talk during movies
This is the one that pretty much set it off and inspired me to make this post. I’m not talking about a low whisper here or there, like “pass the popcorn” or things like that. I recently attended a screening where the lady next to me had to explain the whole damn movie to the moron next to her, and she didn’t even attempt to whisper.
Here’s the deal: if you have trouble keeping your piehole shut for more than 90 minutes at a time, perhaps a movie theater isn’t the place for you. Wait for the effing video, rather than ruin the experience for everyone else that paid $8 for admission, $16 for a bucket of popcorn and $32 for a keg of Coke, OK? And if you don’t “get” the movie, maybe you oughta stick to films targeted to children, tweens, or simple-minded fools like yourself. Y’know, Hannah Montana, Twilight… stuff like that.
Oh, and those of you that text in a movie? KNOCK IT OFF! It’s distracting as hell to everyone behind you, regardless of how covert and discreet you think you’re being!
Stupid Packaging
Now, I realize that I may be alone on this one, but I gotta think that when you buy a consumable food product the intention is to, well, consume it. I would also naturally asume that the manufacturer wants you to consume their product. There are certain cases when this just isn’t true, as evidenced by nearly impenetrable packaging. Examples? You betcha!
Frosted Flakes – kids cereal, that savior to parents worldwide who are too tired, lazy or hungover to get up and make their kid a healthy breakfast of juice, egss, bacon, toast, etc. Problem is, even adults have trouble opening the damn box in such a way that it doesn’t end up all over your kitchen. Although the box opens just as easily as any other cereal box, Frosted Flaks has a surprise in store for you – a bag that resists opening to all but the most muscular assault, and when it does open, copmpletely shreds, creating a dispensary orifice that’s about as well-suited to pouring Frosted Flakes efficiently and easily as a butterknife is to cutting concrete. It’s ridiculous.
Rice-A-Roni – Yep, the San Francisco treat is a real motherbitch to open. Sure, they have a little semi-circle on one end that looks like it’s perforated, but let me assure you, the nozzle that designed this stupid package is laughing his ass off with evry box sold – that perforation is entirely illusory and does nothing. I’ve found the best way to open this nigh-impenetrable carton is by sawing off the top with a steak knife. Not exactly user-friendly.
Gatorade – screwing off a cap for the first time is worse than trying to open a bottle of prescription pills. I know that they pretty much target their drink to athletes and stuff, but normal folk like it too, and getting that lid off for the first time can pretty humiliating and even painful.
That’s about it on this one.
Fast food workers
Now I know this one opens up all kinds of doors, and I could probably spend days just ranting about the Taco Bell near my house and the astounding scope of their ineptitude. However, rather than regale you with epic tales of “Taco Bell fail” the likes of which most people can’t even imagine, I’m going to speak of another fast food establishment – one which until recently I had depended on to get things right the first time, one which (in my experience, anyway) has rarely screwed things up. Yes, dear readers, I speak of the holy Golden Arches.
Until recently, I’d never had a problem at Mickey D’s, but they’ve screwed the pooch the last 2 times I’ve been there. Now, never mind the fact that the order-taker on the headset barely speaks English – there’s one of those screens to confirm your order, and both times I’ve gotten hosed the order appeared correctly on the screen.
In the first incident, I ordered one of their 1/3 lb Angus Mushroom n’ Swiss burgers – sounds good, right? What I had in the bag when I got home was a Big n’ Tasty, which is neither big nor tasty. I was pissed. I mean, I expect this from Taco Bell, but McDonald’s? c’mon, they’ve been doing this thing for decades, and they’re known for the systematic approach they use to get things right! So I called the manager, who I was sure would want to know about the screw up. She also spoke very little English and was difficult to understand (to which my wife counters “well you speak Spanish, just talk to her in Spanish!” – I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO!), and seemed to take very little interest in the incident overall. She said if I came back they’d give me some coupons. Now I don’t know about you, but I go to fast food establishments because I want food fast – I don’t want to turn around and go back and wait for food again, that’s not fast! I declined her offer and hung up on her, still pissed, and ate the nastiest burger on the McDonald’s menu.
The second incident happened a week or so ago, and made me even more pissed. Elizabeth came over late one night and we all decided we were hungry. I took orders for a Mickey D’s run. Two hamburger meal for Megan with an orange drink, two cheeseburger meal for Elizabeth (no pickles, no onions) with a diet coke, and two cheeseburgers for me. I got to the drive up and placed my order with someone who was rendered completely unintelligible through a combination of poor headset mic placement (WAY too close to their mouth), bargain speakers on my end and of course, that ever-present language barrier. Again, I didn’t worry too much because the order showed correctly on the screen. I got home and dropped the bag off in the front room with Megan and Elizabeth while I went back and took my shoes off and plugged my phone in to charge.
“What are you eating?’ the question floated down the hall like the grim reaper coming for your soul and made my blood freeze.
“two cheeseburgers” I replied, hoping against hope that all was well with our culinary predicament, and knowing at the same time that it wasn’t.
“umm, there’s only 2 hamburgers and 2 cheeseburgers here” Both of their orders, but not mine.
I swear, if I wasn’t on medication for my blood pressure I probably would have blown a gasket right then and there. I let fly one of the crudest, volatile, offensive blue-streaks that has ever been heard since the beginning of time, and I did it in my outside voice, even though I was still indoors. Both of the girls, trying to stem the tide of this deluge of profanity, offered me one of their burgers, which only infuriated me more (with McDonald’s, not them). I don’t want a hamburger, I want a cheeseburger. I don’t want a cheeseburger WITHOUT anything, I just WANT AN EFFING CHEESEBURGER! Too much to ask? Apparently it was this night.
So anyway, yeah. Fast food workers that can’t even handle a fast food job MUST GO. With nearly a decade of experience in several kitchens and in the food service industry in general, I feel pretty confident in saying that it’s not that hard to get a fast food order right if you pay attention and do things the way you’ve been taught. Way more work than some of these people can be expected to perform, apparently, but that’s a rant for another time.
That’s my list for today. Maybe I’ll have another next week, or something, but now I gotta get to work on my list of things I dig.
