Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it’s true. Our elected government officials (yes, the ones we voted for) believe we’re a bunch of mindless drones, incapable of independent thought or any cognitive decision-making ability. Evidence supporting their views: we elected them. How utterly short-sighted and stupid of us all. I mean, the fact is, we’re little more than lemmings, and must be protected from ourselves. Were it not for our kindly bureaucratic overlord/caretakers, we’d probably all be standing around with trousers full of our own excrement and blank bovine stares on our faces, drooling and incessantly muttering incomprehensible drivel.
Maybe I’m going a little over the top here, but really? Are signs like this really necessary? Is there anyone over the age of accountability (that’s 8 years old to my readers outside of Utah) that doesn’t know beer has alcohol? Our alcohol laws in this state are beyond ridiculous, and completely ineffective at their stated goals.
Let’s review some of the absurdities from a logical and reasonable standpoint, shall we?
First, the only alcohol you can buy anywhere but a state-run outlet (more on thast later), is regular old beer. And not even all of that. You see, beer is a malt bevergae made from hops and barley, primarily. Just recently, some malt beverages containing alcohol - bitch beer to you and I, “alcopops” to Chris Buttars and the other morons on the hill – were relegated to a special place in the aforementioned state-run outlet.
Statistically, beer is the third-most popular beverage on the planet, right behind water and tea, and it’s been around almost as long.
But back to the bitch-beers. They’ve been essentially outlawed, presumably because if they were available in supermarkets (like everywhere else in the country), teens might mistake them for something they’re not and inadvertently let alcohol pass their lips, thereby relegating their immortal soul to eternal damnation for drinking Satan’s Kool-Aid.
My problem with this is two-fold. First, the teens KNOW what they are, even if they’ve lived under a rock for the last 16 years. Second, you must show valid ID proving you are of legal age to purchase them, just like beer. Oh, and not to mention that when you get it at the state-run agency outlet, it’s room temperature and $2-a-frickin’-bottle. You can buy prescription pain killers for less, and this is supposed to somehow protect us from ourselves?
Moving on, did you know that restaurants that serve liquor (the Devil’s Joy Juice), are required to hide it behind a 10-foot wall, lest it fall under the gaze of an uneducated and hapless minor who may be whipped into a berserker-like frenzy of alcohol-denial-fueled rage and be forever lost to Lucifer? Yes, really. OK, the part about the frenzy and Lucifer I made up, but it’s actually pretty close to some of the arguments used by our bureacratic overlords to get the bill passed. But yeah, a 10′ wall in a restaurant hiding the bar from the eyes of minors. Seriously.
And now, on to the state-run alcohol outlets. I’ve actually been outside of Utah several times, and managed to sneak back in (a few times I’ve even been able to smuggle in some illegal fireworks, alcohol and/or tobacco products with me). Did you know that pretty much anywhere outside of Utah you can buy liquor at the grocery store? Yeah, in other states, they must actually have to talk to their kids about alcohol, being as how it’s so readily available and right next to the Doritos and Bean Dip (I can only imagine how difficult and uncomfortable it must be to talk to a teen about Doritos and Beand Dip!).
OK, I’m winding down now. It’s just irritating when laws are passed tthat assume that the general public are pretty much retarded and need to be protected from themselves. It’s what people call a “Nanny State”, and we live in one. I don’t imagine things will get much better with Lt. Governor Gary R. Herbert poised to take the reins…
June 18th, 2009 at 10:54 pm
Tehehehe…thehehe…thehehe!
June 19th, 2009 at 8:24 am
I agree with what you’re saying, but you aren’t really blaming Governor Huntsman, are you? Whenever I hear of his involvement, he is usually trying to moderate liquor laws.
June 20th, 2009 at 11:43 am
No, not blaming Hunstman at all. In fact, I think Governor Hunstman has been an Icon of wisdom, reason and common sense, able to reconcile his own beliefs (religious and otherwise) with the greater good. I’m a’feared of what Herbert’s bringing with him, though, as it doesn’t seem that he is nearly as adept at this balance as Huntsman.